Be There At Our Sleeping

Be There At Our Sleeping

Do you like my hat? It’s new. I love hats and excuses to wear them.

I heard there’s a funeral today. I don’t know who died but that’s never stopped me before. My new hat with its stylish black lacy veil will be perfect for the occasion. The funeral is at two, at St. Matthew and All Angels. It’s one now, so I’d better get my skates on. I’ve two buses to catch.

Please understand, I’m not being disrespectful. I don’t even like funerals. I just need the chance to wear my new hats. If I wasn’t always tempted to buy black ones, perhaps I could go to weddings instead. Only the church services, I would never presume to attend a reception any more than I would gatecrash a Wake. Oh, here’s the bus now.

          “Stop driver!”

Sorry, I always shout that, I didn’t mean to startle you. I live in fear of not being seen, of just fading into the background whilst life goes on without me on board.

Here we are now. I love a seat by the window, do you? How nice of you to take an interest in me, my dear. I don’t really have any friends. I’ve been on my own these past twenty years. My husband left me for a younger woman – filthy slut. I had a bit of a funny turn and spent a long time in a hospital. I tried to tell them I didn’t need hospitalising, I just wanted my husband back – well who wouldn’t? They never listened though. They just patted me on the head and gave me more medication, which was nice.

Oh look, that’s where the Dance Hall used to be. It’s bloody Tesco now. Did you know Tesco are taking over the world? I heard Mrs What’s-her-Name telling her mother at the bus stop the other day. That’s all she said. They stopped talking when I tried to join in the conversation. That happens a lot. I don’t mind really, at least I’m not invisible.

It’s such a shame; I had some happy times at the Dance Hall with Denis. Filthy Tesco!

Anyway, the hospital was closed down with all the other, what they called, institutions and I was let out. Nobody seemed to care much where I went. They assigned me a social worker and found me a council bungalow. The house is nice but the social worker was no more than a kid and eventually she stopped calling. I was glad to begin with, she was very bossy. Then I realised that she was the only company I had. I do miss her.

Oh, here’s my stop.

          “Stop driver! Ding ding! Stop please.”

That was a close one. I thought he was going to drive straight past. Ah, here’s the park. Oh my days, this is where Denis and me did most of our courting. Now that does take me back. I’ll just have a little nose around to see if it has changed at all. I think I have time before the next bus. Are you coming?

It all looks the same as I remember it. Oh, oh there’s the kissing gate! It’s covered in that spray paint graffiti now but it is the original. Oh my days, Denis and me did plenty of kissing here, and a bit more besides!

No, no dear, don’t worry. I’m not crying. It’s a speck of dust. There it’s gone now. I’m always getting bits in my eyes especially when I’m sitting in the dark watching TV. I expect it’s something to do with my age. I’m seventy-two, you know.

I try to keep myself looking nice. You never know, Denis might get tired of the filthy slut so I need to keep my looks, just in case.

Can you lend me a tissue dear? There’s dust in my eyes again. No, no I’m fine, thank you for asking.

I haven’t seen Denis since he left, what with being in the Institution and all that. I don’t know where he went. Perhaps he stayed in this area but the council would not give me a place here. The social worker suggested that it would be too painful. Silly girl.

Oh, there’s my bus! The driver can’t see me. I’m not at the stop and I’m too old to run these days. Oh bugger, I’ve missed it!

Wait a minute though. I know where I am. St Matthew and All Angels! Of course. I’m afraid I’m getting very forgetful, my dear. Fancy that. I was married in that church. It’s just a short walk from the other side of the park. If I hurry, I can still make it for the opening hymn. Come on, dear. Walk with me.

See that tree? Our baby was conceived there and then we carved our initials in the bark. If I weren’t in such a rush, I’d go and see if they’re still there. Another day, perhaps.

What’s that, my dear? The baby? No, the poor little mite never drew a breath. Ah, here’s the gate. Stop for a minute, I’m all out of puff and I have an awful pain in my shoulder.

Oh look! That’s our old house, mine and Denis’s. See it? The one with the closed curtains and black crepe paper around the door.

Oh dear, more dust! Yes, I’m positive I’m not crying. Don’t fret.

See, there’s the church, at the end of the road there. We’re not that late, there are no cars yet. Oh, do come with me. You don’t need an invite to a funeral service; anyone can attend. I do it all the time, just for the company and to wear my hats. Did I say that already?

This latch on the lych gate is a bit stiff. There, I’ve done it now. I remember walking along here, looking radiant in cream. Not white dear, we weren’t hypocrites!

Right, here’s the door. Try to be quiet; we don’t want to draw attention to ourselves. Ooh, my old heart is fluttering just as it did when I saw Denis waiting for me at that altar. He turned to watch me walk down the aisle. I felt very special. Heavens, it’s dusty in here. Where did I put that tissue?

Look, there’s only one mourner. How sad. I wonder who’s in the box. Well there’s no point sitting at the back with all these empty pews here, is there? I expect that poor woman will be glad of some company. Wait a minute, I know her, don’t I?  What’s she doing here? The filthy slut!

Oh my days, here’s a stroke of luck. Here comes Denis! Look, he’s holding his hand out to me. My, how serene and radiant he looks. Oh, and he’s carrying our baby. Can you see them, dear?

Goodness, my old heart is thumping so hard, it’s so painful. I think it might explode. Oh, my dear, I’m feeling a bit giddy. I do believe I’m going to faint.

No, no dear, don’t call an ambulance and there’s no need to help me up, thank you.  Denis will take care of me now. It was very nice to meet you but I must say goodbye, my husband is calling me home.